ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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