What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
