pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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