Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
