Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
