Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
