if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
