Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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