I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
