Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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