She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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