the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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