Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
