The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
