Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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