I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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