you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
