I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
