My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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