shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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