So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
