God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
