Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
