The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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