is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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