im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
