At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
