yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
