So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
