I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
