around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I will pee on everything he values.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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