If you die in college, do you die in real life?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You ruined the universe
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
