i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Randomize
