i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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