I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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