I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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