I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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