I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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