I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
