i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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