Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
