i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
