i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize