Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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