If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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