My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
