i don't like sucking hair
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
