Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
