Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
