i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize