How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
