Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
