You're my little dorito
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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