she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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